``What I'd like to have right now is for you all fat, ugly, out of shape ladies to keep the noise down so I can hear
myself think!''
Rude, Ravishing Rick, numerous occasions.
Welcome to
Inside The Ropes by
Canadian
Bulldog. I'm
Canadian Bulldog, and this, of course, is
Inside The Ropes. By
Canadian Bulldog. Welcome.
Sorry
to start this JAM-PACKED column on a sad and bitter note, but here we go; Folks, the dream is over.
As you no doubt know,
I have been lobbying the government for permission to start up an official fan club for the Internet's greatest treasure,
Scott Keeth. Well that all came to a grinding halt last week when
Some Guy STOLE my idea and started up his
own club right
here.Scott, if indeed that's your real name, I know you read this column religiously every week, as do
Dave Melter,
Rick Scherer,
Chrissy Hyatt,
Wade Kellerman and
Stuart Stone. You, and only you, could have prevented
this tragedy. Now, my fan club is nothing but a distant memory. I hereby resign as President of `Dud: The Scottt Keith Fan
Club' and, much like
Chris Benwah in 2000, I relinquish the title to someone more worthy than I.
Item!
Shane
O. Mack is back!!! The hot rumor of the day, according to
911mania.com , is that he's looking to serve
Kain... serve him REVENGE!!! This has the makings to become the best feud EVER!!!
Let
me be the first wrestling columnist to review for you the BRAND NEW book ``
I Just Can't Wait To Be King...Sometimes",
ghostwritten by
Jerry ``The King'' Lawyer.
If I could sum the book up in one word, it would be ``interesting, fascinating
and totally boring at the same time.''
I mean, Lawyer goes into great detail about his old-time wrestling career, but really,
who cares about that stuff? I think I speak for all wrestling fans when I say that what we want is details of his HILARIOUS
weekly commentary, not every little nugget of some ten-year-old match against
Andy Hoffman. King, tell us instead how
you come up with all those great one-liners, like
"Puppies! Woo-hoo! Puppies, JR!". Heh, heh -- puppies; no matter
how many times I hear that, it's still funny!!!
There are some juicy stories in there, like Lawyer's MUCHO STEAMY love
affair with
Linda 'The Battle Kat' Carter, but they're few and far between.
Heh... puppies, that guy slays
me!!!
Anyways, if you bought the book where I did,
The Salvation Army, then it was well worth it. Otherwise, I'd
just wait until it comes out in hardcover.
Backlash, the latest WWE pay-per-view spectacular, has come and
gone, and I have to say I wasn't impressed. The match between Benwah and
Eddie Guerrera for the vacant
Americas
title showed some great shoot wrestling and all, but where were the weapons and out-of-ring brawling? Same goes for the
fatal three-way match between Lesnor, Angel and Austin.
The show did have a few good moments, such as The
AARP's
patented Bar Room Rumble, but those were few and far between. And the bout between
Big Ass Billy Gun and
Jamie Nidia
was probably the best match EVER!!!
However, I'm SHOCKED to hear that
Stephanie MacMcMacMahon has to spend the night
with
John Ceno now! I hope, for Sweet Steph's sake, that he doesn't try to do you-know-what to her!!!
Have
sex.
Anyone out there seen or heard from
Homosexual Mark Chocolate recently? Last I saw him, he was on Smack!
Down doing a weightlifter gimmick, kicking butt and taking names. Hopefully, they didn't send him back to the
Fat Farm.
E-Buy
Alert! I'm selling some of my top wrestling items, including
A 'Superstars of WCW' napkin,
A whistle that may have
belonged to Sgt. Slaughter and
Jake the Snake's little-known python Joe. Bid on them right
here !!!
The BEST movie this summer (so far) has to be the blockbuster
Jimmy English starring
Mr. Bean.
Without giving too much away, it's about an undercover British spy who can't solve crimes because he's too stupid. A must-see!!!
According
to
Some Wrestling Site, we'll be able to see the action of TNA:NWA next month for just $10!!! Imagine seeing such superstars
of tomorrow as
Shark Guy,
BJ Styles and
Tenacious Zee for next to nothing, live on Paper-View!!!
Breaking
news: Raw scored a whopping 4.7 rating, thanks to a boost from the presence of
Shane Michaels. It also looks like USA
Network will be airing Heat on Sunday nights, and will have a new show to promote Summer Slam from Madison Square Garden.
In a related story,
Butterbeans will be returning soon to do a mixed tag match at the event, and lastly, it looks like
Triple H will be filming an episode of the show
Pacific Blue, to air on August 9. For more details, click
here Had a chance to catch up with none other than fifth-generation superstar
Randy Ortiz. Here's a full, unedited
JAM-PACKED transcript of my conversation with the man they call ``Big Sexy The Legend Killer":
CB: Hello, is this Randy
Orson?
RO: No, it's not.
CB: Oh, sorry, wrong number.
RO: Actually, he just stepped out. He'll be ba.
CB: (Hangs
up)
Please credit
Whinerboard.com if you're using all or part of that transcript.
I really want to buy some WWWE stock so that I can own a piece
of the company and make booking decisions. But what happens if there's a stock market crash? Would I lose all my money, or
what? Anyone out there have some Sound Financial Advice? Where is
I R' Us when you need him?
The following
is a spoiler alert. Don't, under any circumstances, not read ahead if you don't not want to be spoiled!!!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Rumor
has it that
Triple HHHH will ``lock horns'' with
Bill Goldenberg at SummerofSam!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Color
me impressed with the fact that the WWE has re-hired
Doing The Clown. Sure, he's had a checkered past, but who hasn't?
The fact that
Vincie Mack is willing to look past this shows me that he really DOES have a big heart.
But on
the other hand.... I really have to give Vince a big `thumbs down' for the way he's treated
Jack Gowan thus far. Here
you have a blind wrestler, who's a KID nonetheless, and instead of embracing the unique talents he has, Vince is EXPLOITING
them. For shame, Vince. For shame!!!
And now it's time for a little something I like to call 'Q and A', or as the
late, great
Rob Hope said ``thanks for all of the memories.'' Send me your questions and answers to Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com
Q:
Where is Hacksaw Jim Duggan these days?
A: According to his
official website, John is from Glens Falls, New York, tough guy! Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Q: What was your favorite feud of all time?
A:
It would have to the one between
Richie The Dragon Steamboat and
Rick Flare.
Q: Any idea where Mark Henry
is these days?
A: That's so funny - I was just thinking the same thing!!! Readers?
Q: Why did McMahon botch the WCW
invasion angle so badly?
A: This is just my opinion, but Vince is a proud man and he couldn't allow his team to lose. That's
why assembled a KICK-BUTT team featuring
Rocky Maivia,
The King of Bing Bing Chris Jerichon,
Kane The Undertaker,
Kane The Undertaker's Brother and
Best Show to deal with those jerks in WCW.
Q: Don't you think they are
misuing Matt Hardy these days?
A: No.
And that wraps up another fun-filled week of Inside The Ropes. If you have
any questions, answers or financial advice, please don't hesitate to contact me at canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com. Even if it's
late at night. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's... Inside The Ropes!
